CriticSociety- film reviews

Review

Fantastic Four

Director

Tim Story

Year

2005

Rating

Reviewed by

José Ruiloba a.k.a. Morris

Review date

Monday, July 18, 2005

I don’t usually hate movies. Or should I say… I don’t usually see movies that I hate. Since I am not obliged to see every release out there, I can freely choose whatever I want to see and thus, if something sounds crappy or shitty I just skip it. So why on Earth did I go see Fantastic Four? The buzz was terrible and the movie looked awful. Well, there are exceptions, you see, with some movies that I know are bad but which I just can’t ignore because of this or that reason. And in this case I just couldn’t pass by the fact that it is one of the tentpole movies of the summer. I had to see it with my own eyes…

Five scientists go to space to do some sort of experiments with plants that could be really helpful for us mortals. But a strange energy storm hits them and changes their body, giving each a different ability. Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) is the geek leader who becomes completely elastic. Then there’s his ex, Sue Storm (Jessica Alba), who can become invisible. Her rebel brother Johnny (Chris Evans) is able to light up in fire and even propel himself to fly, while his friend Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) changes into what he thinks is a monstrous appearance with unbelievable strength. The fifth passenger, millionaire Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon) starts to develop steel throughout his whole body, meaning he can also alter electricity… or something like that. And the rest of the premise, in a nutshell, has Dr. Doom being all bad and the Fantastic Four being all good and heroic and becoming celebrities and dealing with their newfound state.

Where should I start? Oh God, I’m going to enjoy this…

This movie is terrible. From start to finish, it is a complete mess. It opens with a lot of scenes in space, which are as exciting as watching my dog pee. There is no sense of wonder for being… in space for Christ’s sake! There is no scope; it all feels like cheap sets, which is sad because we know for a fact that the movie was expensive, so those sets were actually not that cheap. Ouch! We find out that the main characters are scientists and pilots and whatever, but we never, for one second, believe any of it. Except for Reed, everyone looks like they wouldn’t know a red button from a blue one. Terrible introduction.

And then we’re back to Earth. How, you wonder? Who cares! Victor is all jealous because his bitchy girl Sue is starting to pay attention to Reed once again. After all, they want to know what happened to their bodies. The only characters who actually give a damn are Johnny, who is understandably fascinated and wants to use his abilities out there, and Ben, who is depressed because he looks ugly and because his marriage just went bananas because his beautiful wife (in negligee) is not even curious to know what happened or if it could be reversed. Ah, love!

So then, our characters find themselves in the middle of chaos in a NY bridge, where they all use their powers for the first time to actually save people. And oh yes, they become instant heroes. The press is all over them and they are all over the press, giving speeches like not even the best politicians can and discussing their existential problems in front of everyone who can listen. So Ben is angry at Johnny so he plays with his car as you would with a can. But wait, we don’t see it!! An opportunity for coolness… gone. And that sums up the entire movie.

I could go on about the ridiculous plot and the things that follow, but it would be pointless. The whole movie is like a bad joke. Sure, there are some redeeming scenes. I actually really loved the final fight where the four of them use their powers together. But it comes with no build-up and goes in a split second. Before you know it, it’s over! There’s also a cool scene in the snow with Johnny. And… I guess that’s about it. Even a subplot that could’ve been touching comes off as insulting… do the creators mean to say that an ugly guy can only get a blind girlfriend? Great message you guys!

Horrible dialogue populates, with the actors actually not helping. I actually enjoyed Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans quite a bit. They do transcend amidst all the stupidity and mediocrity. Jessica Alba is wooden, Ioan Gruffudd is forgettable and Julian McMahon is so busy trying to be all suave that he comes off as scary as Barney in underwear.

Blasphemy! Not even the special effects are that great.

I guess the director, writers, and everyone were going for a more campy tone, but they never hit the right tone and the movie seems to take itself too seriously while desperately trying not to, if you know what I mean. It is a complete waste of time.

“Is that a trick question?”

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